Last year I spoke a lot about why women should let themselves need their man because if she doesn’t, it puts a cap on how deep their connection can really go. I even concluded that, at some point, if she doesn’t allow herself to need him, then, on some level, she is stopping herself from loving him.

In my recent posts, I’ve been speaking about how if you are to have expansive love and union, you must operate in desire as opposed to need. I’ve mentioned several times that a woman that creates a relationship with a man from a needy, limited place will be disappointed because that relationship will fail. This is because a connection built from limits will most likely remain limited.

It won’t support what she actually desires nor grow into a union that is aligned with the real her; at her core.

To some, this may seem like a contradiction.

Rest assured that it is not.

Some nuance does need to be brought into the picture though.

I find that it’s quite challenging to speak on the landscape of love and union in its entirety within a single post because of how vast, multi-layered, and gray it really is. Nearly everything that is conveyed needs to have context and nuance to figure out exactly where each piece of wisdom applies, when it should be applied, and who should be applying it.

This is where most women get tripped up. They don’t know what space or season they are in, so they don’t know when to apply a certain piece of knowledge.

In this post, I will explain exactly when a woman should be operating from desire and when it is a good idea and of benefit, to her and the man she is involved with romantically, to need him.

A woman who is single should be operating from pure desire. She should not be in a state of letting herself need a man because what she will create from that state will never be what she wants.

In most cases, a single woman feeling like she needs a man is usually trying to get deep, emotional, mental, or financial needs met via this man that she needs to actually confront herself.

In other words, she’s using this man to avoid dealing with something in her own life that is actually hers to work through and deal with head on.

An example of this is a woman who hates her job wanting to get into a relationship with a man so that she doesn’t have to work anymore.

Or a woman needing a man’s love to prove that she is desired or lovable.

Or a woman needing to be married so that she can prove to her family that there’s nothing wrong with her.

Or a woman needing a man to be with her so that she can finally deal with the overwhelming loneliness she has been feeling for years.

This is escapism. This is trying to pawn off the work you must do for yourself in this life onto a man.

What are the chances of developing an expansive and beautiful connection and union when your primary focus is not on desiring a genuine union, but rather on seeking someone to solve your deep-rooted problems?

It is EXTREMELY unlikely.

Expansive love and union is not created from trying to escape your life and pawning your problems off onto someone else. Expansive love does not exist on this level. It exists on a level of accountability, willingness to address difficult things head on and work them through, and operating from desire.

When you shift from a state of needing a man to come and save you to deeply desiring expansive union from a pure place, the man and union of your dreams can actually come into your life.

This is because pure desire is free from external dependencies and it exists on the same level as expansive union.

I have at least 3 posts that dive into the intricacies of all I’ve stated here. You can read them on my blog here, here, and here.

When a woman allows herself to WANT union from a pure place with the intention to experience more life, deeper connection, and more beauty with a man…she chooses men from her fullness rather than fragmented parts of herself.

This is what results in a solid, expansive connection and union with the right man.

Once the foundation of exclusivity, devotion, and commitment is established between the woman and the man…ON TOP of the expansive, desire based foundation that their connection was built on, the space for needing him opens up.

She gets the privilege of needing him and he WANTS to be needed by her.

An example of this would be a woman waiting for her husband to come home from work.

She not only wants him to come home, she needs him to because he is now an integral part of her life and of her.

Refusing to need him is a refusal of true union. A limit is placed on the connection if true union is rejected.

This doesn't imply that she is dependent on him for her own functioning. This woman has already taken responsibility for herself and addressed her personal challenges prior to entering into a union. She never sought to escape her life, which is why acknowledging and addressing her deep needs was an essential step before pursuing a connection.

However, it does highlight that needing him is not only natural but also essential for fostering a deeper connection. It is an expectation, a normal part of the relationship, and something that he desires as well.

Compare this with a single woman who feels a strong sense of need for a man. She goes on a first date, connects well with a guy, and then completely falls apart when he doesn't call the next day. This breakdown occurs because she is operating solely from a place of need.

In this scenario, her emotional well-being and self-worth become heavily reliant on the validation and attention she expects from this man. The weight of her neediness creates a fragile foundation, making her vulnerable to disappointment and rejection. When her expectations are not met, it leads to an emotional collapse.

These two women are in entirely different positions, and as a result, their situations call for different wisdom and approaches.

For the woman who has cultivated a strong foundation of self-accountability and has addressed her personal issues before seeking union, allowing herself to need her man is beneficial. This need stems from a place of depth and enhances their connection, leading to a deeper bond and a more fulfilling union.

On the other hand, the woman who feels an overwhelming sense of need without having developed a solid foundation within herself faces a different scenario. For her, this need becomes detrimental to her emotional well-being and the potential for a healthy connection.

It can lead to dependency, vulnerability, and a tendency to seek validation and fulfillment solely from external sources, ultimately hindering her personal growth and relationship prospects.

This is a HUGE distinction...

To wrap this up, the best words I’ve ever heard explain this concept comes from Erich Fromm.

He states “Immature love says: I love you because I need you. Mature love says: I need you because I love you.”

Need comes in as an opportunity for deeper connection once true love, devotion, and commitment is established. It is a way to deepen the connection, the union, and their love.

Outside of this sacred pocket, needing a man becomes detrimental.

This is a nuanced topic but I have faith I’ve made a strong enough case in this post for when needing a man is good idea and when it isn’t.

I hope I served you well.

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