Women sometimes find themselves in less-than-ideal relationships with men, where they prioritize their fantasy of who they want the man to be over his true self. This often leads to a nightmarish experience for both the woman and the man. The woman may end up feeling disappointed or unsatisfied with the real person, while the man is not loved and accepted for who he truly is but instead faced with criticism and nagging.

As a result of such experiences, women pass down a valuable piece of wisdom to others, often saying, "Don't marry potential." This advice emphasizes that building a relationship based on who you believe a person could become is unwise and will eventually lead to disappointment.

On the contrary, the alternative advice is to seek a man who already embodies most of what you desire or is very close to it. Some refer to this type of man as "already built." By doing so, both partners can find happiness, as the woman gets what she wants, and the man is loved and accepted for his true self.

While the advice of finding a perfect match on paper may seem appealing, it often leads to flaws in thinking, causing many women to become overly rigid in their love lives and dismiss men for being human. This creates an unrealistic fantasy of an idealized man that goes beyond what it means to be a real human. This of course leaves the woman on a wild quest for “the perfect man” so that she doesn’t “settle” while she could be being loved well and perfectly happy right now.

I propose that there is another criteria to assess whether it’s a good idea to be with a man that allows for a more enjoyable vetting process and doesn't rely on rigid criteria.

This topic, like most of the topics I cover, is extremely nuanced, so keep reading for my full dissection.

We don’t stop growing and we don’t stop wanting

Think back 10-15 years ago. Are you the same person you were then, now? The answer is most likely no. We’ve grown and transformed a whole lot from then to now. Do you still want the things that you wanted then, now? For most of us, it’s a hard no. We’ve either accomplished the thing we wanted and moved onto something else, realized we really didn’t even want the thing in the first place and moved on, or just moved on from it in general.

This is the nature of being a human. We grow and expand. We want something else and we want more. This is why it is actually very challenging to find someone who is exactly what you want forever and ever. What you want will change and who they are being will change. You can be with someone because they are exactly what you want and then 6 months later, things change and then they are no longer exactly what you’re looking for.

What happens then?

Do you just go find the next person that can be exactly what you want for another 6 months and then repeat the never-ending quest the rest of your life?

Or do you adopt a new set of criteria to assess what type of man you’d like to be with?

To me, the latter sounds much more effective.

Different positions and conditions create new capabilities within him

Most of the time, it takes a change in our position or condition to initiate us into developing specific capabilities.

For instance, a person who grows up in a big city who took public transportation their whole life moves to a rural area for work and is “forced” to learn how to drive.

A child’s family moves him to another country where the child has to learn a new language to fit in with his peers and be a functioning part of society.

A young man becomes a father and develops the capability of supporting someone other than himself.

In all these instances, the person’s position or condition had changed and this created a capability within them that they did not have. When there was a greater position for them to fill, they developed the capabilities to fill that position.

This is where the “don’t marry potential” notion begins to fall a part for me a bit… expecting people to have the capabilities of where their position or condition did not call for it.

For example, anticipating a man to embody all the qualities of a mature, emotionally advanced, husband-like provider who excels in active listening, effective communication, financial management, physical fitness, flawless leadership, and caring for a woman, without ever having been a husband or experienced success in such a role, is undeniably unrealistic.

This is not to say that a man can’t possess these qualities, but expecting him to have all of them sufficiently developed, mastered, and perfectly executed is just unrealistic UNLESS you want to be with a man who has had many failed marriages and learned the right lesson from every single one of his mistakes.

Which is also pretty unlikely, by the way.

This man, with many failed marriages, will most likely be significant in age.

And perhaps you want to go for someone who is significant in age and has several decades of marriage experience but understand that this comes with its own set of challenges.

You will also be on another wild quest looking for someone who’s had enough husband experience and has learned from all of his previous failures.

The point here is that you will either be with a man that is inexperienced in certain areas and will make many mistakes or be with a man that was inexperienced in the same areas and made all the same mistakes, you just weren’t there to witness those mistakes.

One man is not better than the other, especially because this man could very well be the same man just at different points in his life.

So what are you saying, Dream? Should I just settle, accept a man’s potential, and accept all of his mistakes?

No!

It’s an all or nothing mentality that makes you think that if I’m saying men are not perfect that I am telling you to suddenly settle.

What I am saying **is that different positions and conditions create new capabilities within most men.

So while you shouldn’t marry based on potential, you also shouldn’t disqualify a man that hasn’t yet developed or mastered every single one of the qualities you believe your husband should have because he hasn’t yet been given the greater position (of being a husband) to fill that would inspire and require that capability.

Again, there is other criteria that can be much more effective in choosing a man who is right for you.

Let’s finally dive into what that criteria is.

A better set of criteria

The advice of solely seeking someone who perfectly aligns with your current desires and dismissing potential is not as reliable as it may appear. The reason being, our wants and who we are continuously evolve over time on both sides of the relationship. Additionally, the role of a husband often enables men to develop greater capabilities and qualities, making the potential for growth and positive change an essential aspect of long-term relationships.

With this said, there are two parts to the criteria of choosing a man who is right for you.

The first part is that you must be able to observe and actually like, admire, and respect the core of who he is.

Although we transform a lot as humans, when you really get to know someone, you can always see the core of who they are and based on this core, the blueprint of who they’ll become.

There are always clues in the person’s value system, in their mentality, and where they mainly put their energy and focus.

For instance, if you’re dating a man that really values innovative technology that pushes society forward and puts his focus and energy in studying, brain storming ideas for, and attempting to create some new innovative technology, would you be surprised if 5-10 years down the line he actually creates a forward moving piece of technology?

Not really.

Same could be said for a man that values being a provider for those he loves, is generous with what he has, and puts his attention and focus on increasing what he has so that he can be more efficient at providing for those he loves and will love.

Would you be surprised if this man then becomes the sole provider of his family sometime down the line?

Probably not.

The core of who he is would be what he values, what his base mentality is, and where he puts his attention and focus. If all of that lines up, you can clearly see who he is and begin to observe the blueprint of who he will be.

It becomes quite apparent.

If you can observe the core of who a man is and like, admire, and respect it, this is a good indicator that he may be a good candidate for you.

But, not so fast, there is one more piece to this criteria.

Does being with him right now, give you the space and environment to grow, expand, pivot, rest, be at ease, and be well loved?

This part of the criteria is actually very important and mustn't be overlooked.

Right now, no, he doesn’t have to have everything together and mastered. He doesn’t have to already be all that he will be. He doesn’t have to completely check off all the boxes of everything you think you want in a man.

But if he can, right now, provide you with a space where you can grow, expand, pivot, rest, be at ease, and be well loved…this is a good thing and what you want to look for.

Now, this space may look different for every woman.

Only you know what provision you need and desire in that space.

Ultimately, the most important criteria for assessing a man's compatibility as a partner is to observe and appreciate the core of who he is. If you genuinely like, admire, and respect his essence, and if he can currently provide you with a nurturing space for growth, expansion, rest, and abundant love, then he may be a strong candidate for you.

This allows you to accept a man’s humanity and ditch the life long quest you would have been on looking for a flawless man.

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