In the space of love, union, femininity, polarity, and all the other buzz words that I’ve been hearing the last half decade, there are so many perspectives, pieces of wisdom, or fear based messages spread around about what it means to be a woman in relationship with a man.

At this point, I feel like I’ve heard all the rules, the tactics, and the distorted philosophies behind them. My aim is to fully dissect popular notions that are noticeably distorted, limiting, and/or unhealthy and create a new viewpoint and pathway toward a greater and more expansive way of being and loving.

From my vantage point, there are 6 spaces women operate out of when in relationship with a man. And when I say “operate”, I mean how and what she thinks, what she does, what she wants, what she fears, what triggers her, what fuels her and why.

These 6 spaces have their own “operating system” that gets uploaded onto the woman and she has to be aware of it to delete it and move to the next “operating system”.

The collective of women are split in between these spaces. With some women, completely immersed in one space while other women hovering between two or more spaces.

It’s not a neat thing and nor should it be. This complexity often leads to a plethora of conflicting messages, misunderstandings, and unsolicited attempts to reshape another's perspectives.

I’ve had my fair share of women wanting to argue me back and forth on the viewpoints I share. These days, I don’t engage in arguments anymore. I let the combative comments stay and remain unanswered while I move onto dissecting the next distorted notion.

Why have I made this shift?

It's not solely because my energy and attention are better spent elsewhere. More importantly, it's because I understand the perspective from which these "ready-to-argue" women are approaching the conversation. I've been in that very mindset before, grappling with the same triggers, fears, and fuel.

We are the same.

I am just at a different point in my life, experience, and being.

I’ve operated out of all of these spaces I am about to discuss with you, so I speak from a place of experience and empathy, not judgement.

What I want to do here in this post, is:

1. Pull back the curtain behind what space you may be operating in to reveal your blind-spots

2. Reveal the lesson this space teaches you

3. Help you properly process your experiences so that you can move forward into the love you really desire

So, here goes…

Space #1: The Romantic Dreamer

The first space on our list is the “romantic dreamer”. A woman in this space is an optimistic and hopeful romantic, constantly seeking a fairytale-like love story. Her nature may make her somewhat naive, leading her to over-romanticize things in relationships and idealize men.

When she encounters someone she likes, she tends to become quite clingy. She firmly believes that her life will drastically improve with a this man in it, viewing him as her savior from all of her worldly issues.

This archetype is commonly found among young women who have little to no experience dating.

This path inevitably ends in heartbreak because of how distorted her perspectives are.

The biggest lesson she will learn from this space is that there’s more to be understood about herself and about loving another person than she originally thought. She must learn to stop looking outward for what should be found within her and in God.

The magic within love that she’s seeking does actually exist but not in the way she thinks it does.

If she doesn’t properly receive this lesson she begins to harden, drops her innocence, and drops her belief in magic.

The distorted lesson that she picks up is that she was too open and she needs to protect herself from that kind of pain and the people who dish it out; men. To protect herself, she will harden and reject the parts of herself that were hurt, deeming these aspects of herself as “weak”.

Adopting the distorted lesson leads women directly into the next space.

Space #2: The Raging Feminist

Many heartbroken women will come right out of the “romantic dreamer” space and gradually step into this space. In the “raging feminist” space a woman has been hurt or let down by a man or perhaps many men in her lifetime; often a father figure as well as a lover.

You can find her making men the butt of her jokes.

When it comes to love, she is quite cynical, pessimistic, and looks at men through the lens of distrust and disgust. She believes the worst in men. To her, most men are “narcissists” and need to be in therapy.

She proudly boasts that she doesn’t need a man and wants to PROVE that she doesn’t by any means necessary. This makes her hyper independent.

She puts her work and studies above romantic pursuits and believes they are more noble than love and romance. She blames men and “the patriarchy” for things not being “fair” for her.

She believes that she can out perform men in many or almost all areas so she often challenges men. She believes “the future is female” and often attracts men into her life who are passive, emasculated, and people-pleasing.

This woman may also have frequent casual sexual encounters to try and supplement the lack of connection she feels with aspects of herself that she’s rejecting and with men. She is unaware of why she is doing this and disguises her actions as “just having fun” and “sexual liberation” despite the harmful effects it has on her.

A woman can be operating out of this space at any age really. I’d say 16 and up is fair game.

Personally, I think as a collective, women are gradually moving out of this space and into the next one I’m about to mention.

The biggest lesson she will learn from this space is to stop rejecting and suppressing herself, her needs, and her desires. She learns that it’s okay to be a woman; to be different from a man.

A woman in this space will often learn this lesson through severe burnout via her hyper independence. She experiences an overwhelming sense that she must shoulder everything alone and that she isn't protected. This enduring, relentless sensation urges her to slow down, let herself be loved, and let herself be well cared for.

On the flip side, the distorted lesson that a woman can adopt in this space is entitlement. She can adopt the thinking that because she was “wronged” by the world and “wronged” by men that she is now owed. This distorted lesson leads women directly into the next space.

Space #3: The Entitled Brat

Usually coming right out of the space of being a “raging feminist” a woman enters “entitled brat” space. This woman steps into this space when she feels she’s accepted mistreatment from men for far too long, wants better for herself, and wants to finally feel empowered as a woman who isn’t trying to be like a man.

In this space, a woman very much has raging feminist undertones while using “femininity” and being “soft” as a costume to shield herself from actual self awareness and accountability, all while still blaming men for her issues.

She often wants to be in a relationship with a “real man” who “leads” and “provides”, when in reality, she’s asking for a man that just accepts all the non-sense she throws at him. She thinks she’s perfect the way she is and a man should just accept that, embrace it, and love her for “who she is”.

When accountability is brought up to her, she rejects it in the name of just “embracing her femininity” and having “standards”.

If another woman brings up women taking accountability for ourselves, she is quick to call that woman a “pick me” or “choose me”.

She expects a man to be perfect with no flaws and denies his humanity while still expecting him to accept hers.

If anything goes wrong in a relationship, it’s always the man’s fault. She thinks a man should worship her because she’s “a goddess” and “the prize”.

You can find her often calling men “dusty” “insecure” or “brokie”.

She creates this fantasy, ideal version of a man in her head that no human man could ever live up to and shames men that don’t match this impossibility.

She makes many demands and feels entitled to a man’s money and resources because she’s “the prize”.

She is quite controlling, and though unaware of this, unconsciously tries to control the man she’s with. You can find her often challenging men and their manhood by saying they’re not “real men” unless they do what she thinks they should be doing.

She will often blame a man for her own emotional instability or dissatisfaction in her life. This woman is usually trying to get needs met through a man that she needs to work out for herself.

In this space, this woman will attract men that she has transactional relationships with, men that try to “humble” her, or men that are passive and people pleasing.

Either way, she ends up with men that she never quite likes or is attracted to fully. So, while this woman may go on frequent dates, she is often single.

If she’s reading this she will, most likely, be in denial and triggered by this. This is because, to exist in this space, you must forsake your own self awareness and be fueled by the notion that you are some how “owed”.

As a collective, many women seem to be hovering in this space at the moment.

The biggest lesson a woman can learn in this space is cultivating the harmony between self awareness, self accountability, and self worth.

This lesson comes in the form of learning the difference between knowing she is worthy of something versus feeling owed and entitled to it.

Another thing that comes up here is learning to be accountable without shaming and blaming herself.

In this space, a woman might internalize a distorted lesson, one where she excessively blames herself for her unsuccessful relationships with men, spiraling into feelings of shame and guilt, which, in turn, erode her self-worth.

This distorted lesson can lead a woman into the next space.

Space #4: The Man Idolizer

Some women surprisingly step into this space swiftly after being in the “entitled brat” space.

This occurs when a woman swings to the opposite side of extremes when she discovers the error in her ways from a previous space but then overly blames herself. Most women enter this space during deep reflection after a failed marriage, failed long term relationship, or a failed/bad relationship with the father of her children.

This space is fueled by guilt and desiring a deep understanding of where she may have went wrong in the past.

In this space, a woman puts men on a pedestal.

She low key worships men by always trying to anticipate their needs, seek their approval, or adopt their perspectives. She wants to prove that she can be “what a man wants”.

This space has light undertones of “the romantic dreamer”.

It’s not uncommon for a woman in this space to consume “redpill” content or distorted “polarity” content and adopt unhealthy ideas because she is so susceptible in this space.

She loves the idea of submission and is often submissive to men who don’t have her best interests in mind or to men who have not made any significant strides toward her.

She will lower herself for a man.

She may be quick to say that she’s only a 4 or 5 in the looks department to prove that she isn’t “full of herself” or to prove that she is okay with the bare minimum.

She is often overbearing and overwhelming to men because of her clingy, “sold on him way too soon” nature. This woman tries too hard to mold herself into what she believes a man “wants” and often forsakes herself.

This woman will be loyal to a man without any commitment and will often cater to him when he does nothing of significance for her.

When confronted with the notion that she may be too forward, she often gets defensive. She refuses to acknowledge that her clingy-ness as an issue and makes excuses like “it’s just how I am” or “I just really love hard” to justify her very forward actions that are, unbeknownst to her, repelling men.

She doesn’t inspire a man to be better, or do better, or to love and treat her well.

Because this woman has forsaken herself, she has also dimmed her radiance and halted her magnetism. Men will often find her boring because she doesn’t stir anything up within him at all. This woman has trouble in her dating life for this very reason.

Additionally, this woman is quite emotionally unstable. She falls apart if she senses a man pulling away, changing his communication with her, or feels the connection dwindling even if the reality doesn’t reflect this.

This is another reason why this woman particularly repels the type of man she wants. She gets prematurely attached to a man and seeks validation through him.

The biggest lessons a woman can learn in this space are to:

1. Experience a man’s heart fully and let him step up for her, care for her, and show her who he is BEFORE she falls for him.

2. Embrace her humanity and not shame herself for past mistakes. She learns to accept the lessons, maintain her self worth, and move forward with her newfound wisdom.

3. Cultivate a healthy inner life and to stop depending on the validation of men and the external world to tell her who and how to be. This restores or helps her cultivate self worth.

In this space, a woman faces a lot of “rejection” or seeming “neglect” from men and thus can adopt the distorted lesson.

The distorted lesson in this space is to avoid pain by avoiding love.

A woman who adopts the distorted lesson in this space will most likely disengage from romance, be in a state of discouragement and lack of faith, and will be focused on “healing”.

Space #5: The Healing Forever

Often coming right out of the “man idolizer” space, a woman may find herself in the “healing forever” space.

This woman often thinks there's something seriously wrong with her because her past relationships with men haven't worked out.

However, this self-perception is NOT true and often serves as the only means for her to rationalize her painful experiences with men. This woman has still not learned to accept her own humanity and is often still in a space of blame/shame and a newfound space of avoidance.

She avoids love and relationships at all costs because she’s “healing”.

But ironically, she doesn’t understand that there are some things that can only be healed in union with another person.

A woman in this space is simply being avoidant. She is trying to avoid pain she associates with love.

She gets out of this space when her desire for love becomes stronger than what she’s trying to avoid.

The biggest lesson a woman can learn in this space is that she doesn’t have to be “completely healed” to experience great love…being loved well is also healing.

Space #6: The Arrived Woman

Our last space we are going to discuss is the space of the “arrived woman”.

This woman has usually been through most, if not all, of the previous spaces and has finally arrived at a sense of equilibrium, inner peace, and freedom.

She understands her own personal choice, takes accountability for herself and her overall well-being, and feels empowered. This woman does not feel wronged by the world nor men but instead has regained her sense of wonder and deep appreciation for them.

She’s in tune with herself and is skillfully self aware. She accepts a man’s humanity and her own. This woman is optimistic and views love and union with a man as an invitation to more life, deeper devotion, and exploration of herself, her partner, and becoming one.

She has a healthy self image and lots of self respect. She doesn’t allow mistreatment and allows herself to be well loved. She chooses well for herself and doesn’t entertain what she doesn’t want to experience.

She engages with things that nourish her, excite her, and move her.

She isn’t immune to challenging times. She understands the purpose these times serve and how it’ll deepen her understanding of herself, the man she loves, and their union.

She takes a deeper look at what is coming up within her and examines it thoroughly before reacting.

She feels powerful surrendered and in devotion to God and the man she loves and is in union with.

This woman has a pretty good handle at managing her emotions and seeing the truth of her situations clearly because of it.

In this space, a woman doesn’t really have trouble attracting men of quality into her life. They come into her life seamlessly.

A woman in this space has the capacity to experience love deeply and freely.

Not all women will go through each space in the order I’ve presented them here. Some women will skip some spaces, others will operate in between spaces or operate out of a combination of spaces.

I’ve found myself, sometimes, in brief neutral spaces as I was transitioning from one space to another. This list is not completely comprehensive.

But it does mirror my own experiences, that of women I’ve worked with, and I’m sure, many other women.

As I’ve mentioned earlier, I’ve been inside of each of these spaces in varying degrees myself.

Each space had their pros, cons, and lessons— but only one felt like freedom.

Only one allowed me to experience the deep love I desired and knew I was made for.

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